I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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