The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
