How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
