Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
