nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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