i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
