Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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