and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
