how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
