he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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