I wanna bring you to show and tell
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
