Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
