Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
