So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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