Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
