Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
