Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
