wrigley field is MILF paradise
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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