so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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