So drunk its hurt
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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