Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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