Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
