Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
