My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
