Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
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Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I need moral support for this bender
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
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Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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