Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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