It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
