whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
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I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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