and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
