honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
