Betty ford says i'm here all night
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
