Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
