the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
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you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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