my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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