I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
