I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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