God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
