Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
