she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
