I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
