I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
