I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I checked into jail on foursquare
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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