I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
