Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
