your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
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I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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