the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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