I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
