He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
