I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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