i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
