i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
