Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
