My Higher Power is John Stamos
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
