you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
