'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
