Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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