who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
