dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The feeling are messing with the penis
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
