You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
