last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
