I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
