Ambien. No doubt about it.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
