Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
