So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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